Love's Labour Lost

Ever wondered if killing someone's feelings should be punishable ?? The law of the land punishes only crimes which can be physically verified. What about the lashes on the souls, the daggers in the hearts, the strangling of emotions and the treachery in relations ??

The beauty of human life is such that we are able to cope up and start afresh post setbacks MOST of the times. That attribute is innately necessary for a successful person in the society. But what we forget is the value of the pain we endure during those moments of grief.

Lets for a moment think of feelings as investments, they grow with increased interaction with the other person, only to turn to zilch, once the mirage vanishes or the dream ends. To objectify now, isn't it a great deal to lose? The accused is guilty if not for killing a person, then certainly a part of him/her. That part that grew up with you, that part that shared his/her dreams with you, that part that dared to dream with you, the heart that pumped extra strong when you were in sight, the mind that ensured fidelity amidst distractions, the body that met the calls and demands of the partner, the conscience that felt most responsible to rule in your favour, when moments of making choices appeared.

Some of the best writers have given such brilliant quotes on loosing in love/relationships. Over the times the pain of separation has achieved a different romanticism in itself. So many verses dedicated to the very feeling of sadness. Maybe we realise that we are now alone, and with this heady feeling of sadness thereby deciding either to console and pamper the self, or inflicting more damage upon it as an act of turning into one's own nemesis. Choices really, the value base of our life !! I'll leave you with two contradictory quotes below:

"Better never to have met you in my dreams, than to wake and reach for the hands that are not there." - Otomo No Yakamochi

"It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" - Lord Alfred Tennyson

Mumbai - Passing Dhobi Ghaat and some more - II

Aye Dil hai Mushkil, jeena yahan..
Zara hatke Zara bachke, yeh hai Bombay meri jaan !!

Sunset at Worli Sea Face

I had heard this song so many times during the sunday morning "Rangoli", that i always took it at face value. Taking a song at face value, would mean being happy just by the tune and look of the song and having never to delve into the lyrics part or what it meant to the protagonist singing the song. It was when i happened to listen to this song on the radio, while on a local train, that i finally took notice of the clever words, that hid behind Johnny Walker's amusing face.

There's a running joke, that the best way to make God laugh is to tell him your future plans. Well, that gives a rather sinister picture of the old man up there, doesn't it?? Holds good in my case. When you live in a fast city, disappointments come thick and fast and after a few knockouts, you do start thinking fast in your head and try coop up with them even faster. Plan A never works, there ought to be a Plan B and yeah while you are at it, please also prepare for Plan C,D and E.Heck, u might as well be a crisis manager and have no plan at all. To each his own, calamity has no funny bone !!

Jobs changed, roomies too.And what great ones there !! These two were my past and my present..one the chaddi buddy and the other, fresh out of my B-school. The trio had some great times and even now when we retrospect almost invariably we end up miming each other on that statement "Rangari heights" was the bestest times in Bombay". Yeah, the place i'd taken up, was a 1 room+kitchen MHADA flat (for non-mumbaikars, slum development flats, which the original slum dweller leased out to me, as he was already living in another proper 2BHK slum development flat!!!). The two of them joined me later, and while space was a big constraint, it never dampened our spirits and we lived in full glory at "Rangari Heights", the modified name, we'd given to "Rangari Bori Chawl", which was the actual name of the apartment. How a 300sq feet flat accomodated 3 folding beds, 2 cupboards, a TV a DVD player, a Playstation, a whole lot of clothing and three adult individuals, will remain an unsolved mystery forever. There are a lot of funny stories of our times there. We had a humongous big head of a neighbour, who was a self-proclaimed "Retired-Model". He was henpecked, and was found outside our door, laying flat on his fat ass (we'd high jump him everytime we had to step out !). Everytime we ordered Pizza, there would be an enquiry if it was somebody's birthday today. The females coming into the house, had to have a strict dress code, and a straight-to-lift-and-room-on-the-left-policy.

The Republic of powai, viewed from Hotel Rennaissance

The gang gained numbers thick and fast. It was also then that i realised, i was not Superman. I could never be at all places at all the required moments. The party groups changed, commitments broken and rituals unobserved. It was time to move on, and to a new place. Powai it was !! The central suburb of the city. No more the craziness, no more the hustle bustle. It was time to settle down and enjoy what a majority of people in the city never can - tranquility. And with the best loved company !! Life was in much order now, when we were at home. Travelling took a toll but the first class compartments of Eastern Line Local Trains, were quite generous ( i use were, as i haven't taken the locals over the last 2 years, bless me !!) and it was all good. Bombay had this side to it as well. The greenery across the railway tracks, was something i had forgotten while dwelling amongst the hard landscapes all the time. Lifestyle was cheaper in comparison. While "Going out" was the mantra for the day, now "house parties" were somehow the most happening agenda we could come up with. Wild bunch of people, with lots of spirits and food, music in full blast, enjoying each others company. And lo behold...a gazillion times, and still rocking !!! Sometimes it felt as if we were playing "Settlers", or you know "The Sims".

With great powers comes great responsibilities, and with recession comes the management ability for lay-offs without any credibility. How much ever amusing the last statement might appear, losing your job can be a bitch. I'll quote Jolie's tattoo here - "What nourishes me also destroys me". While maximum city here, opened its mouth to engulf you while all its expensive tentacles blocking your airway of monetary passage, the spirit of the city, never allowed me to retreat, repent, sit back and retrospect. It was Bombay, for heaven's sake !! If i couldn't bounce back here, i couldn't anywhere. The ideology paid off in sometime. While i might project it as a victory of the soul, it wasn't possible without the best buddies' support. There was this one time, i even went to Haridwar, for a great job opportunity and had made it through, but a thousand things were not right about it . I remember foolishly asking someone about broadband connections. I'd asked for a smoke in the main market and was gazed upon as an alien, leave aside, the expectation of booze. The film they were airing in the nearby theatre, was "Barsaat" - Bobby Deol's debut movie !! Bobby Deol !!! OMIFFFFFFFGAWDDDD !!! A week back from the holy place, my sins were washed off and i managed to strike gold in Bombay. Been close to two years now. I ain't looking back (except the retrospection i have had to do for this post).

Maybe, its just me. Maybe thats what Bombay does to you. Decreases other cities expectations, by such a drastic limit, you fear leaving from here. Maybe i am wrong. Maybe i didn't take the right decisions, board the right trains to success. But, i am happy, yeah deep within i am. My words may not sound poetic, liberal, or like the last scenes of Luck by chance, Konkana Sen taking the taxi or whatever. But the feeling is the same. My last two years have been a delight I have met up with awesome people, lost a few of my best buddies to the bitch called "migration" and yet am living amidst all love and friendship.

I'd been to Nariman point a few weeks back for a meeting. Did manage to pass through the same point of the sidewalk, where it had all started. It was empty. Innocence gave a weak smile from inside, as if i was about to tease it for what i had done back then. The smile was priceless. It was one of those that you realize alone, and close your eyes immediately.

Mumbai : Passing Dhobi Ghaat and some more - I

Off late i have been pretty intrigued by the "different" trailer Aamir Khan's new movie "Dhobi Ghaat (Mumbai Diaries)" has showcased. In retrospection, I have been in the city of dreams since the last 4 years. And yes i have my diary of thoughts about Mumbai. I guess not only me, everybody, who's a part of the city or has been a part of this city, has thoughts and memories about the maximum city, some expressed in words, some etched in memories, something wonderful, something ugly, but yes, experiences that are a part of our lives, and will forever be etched as a part of us.

I "basically" come from Orissa (interviewers like me can have a lot of fun with what i just wrote), and I studied in Pune for a bit. Hence i never had an inkling of a thought how this was going to be. How Mumbai was going to be. And yes, i never wanted to be here in the first place. The interviewer who selected me at campus, might have thought else-wise and thats how i landed up here. I came to Mumbai late in Jan 2007, to figure out my accommodation first before i moved base. Armed with numbers of several P.Gs and a few brokers and with the smallest possible idea of geography in this city, i made my way here. And that is when realisation struck. And badly !! The city appeared huge, wanting to engulf me in an ominous manner. Every stranger i met seemed to know i do not belong here and spoke with an air which made me suspicious if he/she was trying to con me. The black n yellow cab drivers were faster than their meters, the brokers appeared to be land sharks and the sweet 50+ aunties managing Paying Guest accommodations no where appeared to be as kind, as i thought they might be.

"Yeh Mumbai hai Mumbai..yahan time ka matlab hai paisa !!" A then-recently seen movie, had this dialogue. I was on the path of realisation. Why didn't Pune prepare me for this ? Why wasn't this a part of the costly B-school education i underwent ??  Any ways, miracles do happen. The city made me do something i could never have otherwise. Pull a fast one. Yeah... my FIRST CRIME !! Managed to note a cell number from a broker's cell phone, upside down, break away for a minute and manage a conversation in English in front of the broker. The cell number belonged to a guy, who was ready to share his 1 room kitchen space with another guy. Managed to strike a deal with the guy, managed to save brokerage money (which looked huge back then) and managed to sideline the broker.

Thats how i moved in to Mumbai. It seems incredible now. I was possibly lucky. My roomie turned out to be a fashion designing chap, in his second year at college. This gentleman was queer to say the least. I had to bear up with odd activities of seeing a guy shaving his legs, wearing capris, strange temporary tattoo designs, apply kajal in his eyes and speak with a language-fucking accent. The first time he invited me to go shop with him, we went to a mall and he insisted at the beauty section to have the latest lip gloss be applied on his lips. I was scandalized and maybe my face still gave nothing away, but i was terrorized with how i am about to coop with this human. Well, it took time, a bit of it. What however turned out later was that i had the place all to myself. My distinguished roomie, was out, most of the time, sometimes at college, sometimes at functions and fashion parties and a lot more time back home in his native place in Maharashtra.

The place i resided those days was in Mahalaxmi, yes as close to "town/south mumbai" as you could call it and yet affordable. And yes I passed through the "Dhobi Ghaat" almost every day during my daily commute to office.After getting down at Churchgate station, i needed to hire a shared-cab which took me straight to my office building, but not before giving a splendid view of a stretch of the famous marine drive, that we get to see in select movies.  I worked at Nariman Point, the poshest office area in all of Mumbai, and with one of the leading Financial Services companies in India. Work was good, colleagues were great and supportive and my professional life was off to a good start.

I had received my tuitions well about boarding local trains in Mumbai. The key was to stand amidst the crowd waiting to board. They did the rest. They pushed you in a queue and within moments of restlessness and armpits and sweat and cursing, you found yourself in the train !! Okay, it might not be as fancy as i just made it sound, but what the hell ?? These are my memories and i had a jolly good time in the mumbai locals, so many people have such negative opinions about. The perspective always has to be clear if you want to enjoy yourself, and in this case there was no point complaining complaining about the crowd while you yourself forming the crowd in the first place !!

I remember after my first day in office, going up to marine drive, standing upon the pavement, which majorly witnessed joggers or love-lorn couples or few lonely souls. I dropped my bag, and tried opening my arms wide, as if to engulf the sea before me, to embrace the city and to say it out to myself - "I have arrived". It was quite a filmy moment, and i wont forget it ever. Especially the reactions i got from people around me. Two sets of couples were looking at me with puzzled expressions, a rag picker with contempt, and an old uncle, who just smiled while passing by.

View of Mumbai from the 18th Floor BSE Building, clicked on my cell cam

Living in town (South Mumbai) was a boon, as i realised much later. There was so much to do, so much to see and the city opened its arms to you, be it when I took a quiet walk across the stretch at Haji Ali or sped off in a cab from the famous J.J flyover after a night of partying in Town. The streets of Colaba, which always had something to offer to everybody, Gateway, which was flocked by tourists all the time and the old cinema halls which still managed to retain the old world charm. I used to aimlessly wander in town, after office, without a bit of fear, without any worldly burdens on my head and without any deadlines. If there is something in Mumbai i miss, i miss those moments !! The foodie in me was satisfied by Delhi Durbar, Cafe Noorani, the  midnight buffets at Marine Plaza and the small eating joints that we stumbled across.Special mention here for - Bachelor's, the best ice-cream joint i'd been to. The pirated DvDs we siphoned off the streets in Fort, was serious cinema and for crying red murder here, but i still will, coz' this treasure, will not be available at any tom,dick and planet-m store !!

"Town had action, town had soul
the sea breezes, the skylines and the watering holes..
Town had a lot of me, and a little bit of you...
and lo behold we passed off a year and two !!!"


To be continued.........

The year 2010

We are truly arriving at the end of what would be called a very optimistic year for mankind !! Yes, 2010, truly was a fabulous year. It gave assurance to a gentleman named Kasab against death in a country where he raised mayhem. It saw delayed legal proceedings against the gentleman who once promised to change the face of Indian sports arena (he did change it although, to a very sorry one) - Mr. Suresh Kalmadi as he smiled through the Commonwealth Games fiasco with a naughty boy grin. We also saw people behind online social networking or news platforms - Mark Zuckerberg(FB) and Julian Assange(Wikileaks), beating the US president, in the "Times" magazine, person of the year, thus giving the idea of the increased domination of cyberspace in our lives (i am expecting a few nightmares on the lines of Terminator: Salvation).

We saw hope of getting along well with extra terrestrials, when Lady Gaga strutted around with hideously designed weird clothing pieces. The Indian govt. also grew increased confidence in the nation's ability to take shocking scams in it's stride and move on, little perturbed by the 2G in the air, foreign athletes' woes at the games village, Kargil martyr's apartments being taken over by the our true son's of the soil - the dirty politicians and the latest, ulterior corporate motives and active lobbying which came to the fore with the Radia-tapes episode.

Ok, enough with the satire !! There were feel good things also. The Indian Cricket team, finally achieved no. 1 status and held on to it. Quite a dream for the millions of fans who have ate slept and drunk cricket all their lives. We got to watch Indian athletes winning medals by the dozen. We saw the rise of Saina Nehwal, as a top shuttler in the world!! We saw the stock markets rollicking back to the top, adding happiness with generous helpings of caution this time around amongst the investors. We saw a careful budget and a fair court order on the age old Babri Masjid issue. We even managed to warm our eyes to on the hip-shaking Badnaam Munni and Jawaan Sheila.We had Amitabh Bachchan welcoming us on national television yet again in that "omigawd-its-so-grim-n-sexy" tone that only he has, to play Kaun Banega Crorepati. We had Dolly Bindra, who reminded us of what a feel-good happy life we are leading (by not facing her in the Big Boss House). We had a whole bunch of Box office "jewels", to discard and yet, surprisingly, a decent number of good movies on offer from the Indian Film Industry.

Personally, my year was pretty good. I continued to live amongst love, fun and friendship, passing yet another year in glory. Here's a funny list of my achievements or high moments (not weed, silly!!) this year :

1. Managed two full fledged trips back home !! (Ideally the norm is one)
2. Managed to retain the "Single and unbothered" status (Ok, this might not be an achievement, for some, but hell, it's my list and i need to feel good about it !!) :-)
3. Saw the Indian cricket team achieve No. 1 ranking in the world (for a boy, who followed cricket when the national side was beaten blue and black most times, this is a dream..and the best part is it continues...)
4. Devoured an inhuman number of movies, possible in a year, in many languages, while still continuuing on a job and raising a family (ok, the last phrase sounded valiant, i know it ain't true).
5. Saved Money !! (yes..yes..yes...Finally proud of myself....Thank you Mom !!)
6. Struck to the same job, beyond a year (a first of it's kind, didnt happen earlier, for unfortunate "haalaats" !!....now, still well on course..)
7. Started watching Plays, two infact - "Class of 84' " and "Get rid of my wife" and loved the experience.
8. Successfully avoided meeting the frightening species of "choose-me girls" for marriage. With all due respect, will not get to enjoy this luxury for long.
9. Managed a large all-girls team at the workplace with no issues, and surprisingly no catfights !! (I sometimes feel like Aamir Khan from Hum hain raahi pyaar ke.. remember the song.."Chikni soorat" hehe..)
10. Succeeded in reviving this blog....despite fewest hits possible...my busy hunky dory schedule and my lack of skills in writing on interesting issues !! The motto was and will be to write for self, with an idea to entertain somebody, if he/she happens to stumble across these pages of my creation !!

I think this will be my last post for this year. Thank you 2010, for all that you bestowed. Hope for an even better one in 2011.

Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and let each new year find you a better man. ~Benjamin Franklin


Last Pic Courtesy - The Weekday and the Weekend by Your's truly !! 

Me and Harry Potter

Fantasy has a part in all our lives. We fantasise, expect, make castles in the air, get dissappointed, move on and then fantasise some more. Over the passage of time, and our journey into adulthood, what is startlingly observed is that, our fantasies have become tangible and realistic, thereby loosing the essence of the term. As kids fantasy meant much more. From Granny's stories to Fantasy fables, there were sizeable contributions for increasing our appetite.

Personally, books have been my major friends since childhood. I devoured stories, comic books etc as a child and probably that led to inculcating reading as a habit. Fantasy, as a medium of prose in my country was very limited. There were tales about magical creatures, forbidden castles, wonder caves, but in solidarity. The more one wanted to read about, the less there was material to look forward to. I remember Chandamama, the children's magazine carrying a series of fantasy adventures, but soon lost focus and it's readers. DD TV serials such as Stone Boy, Alif Laila (unintentionally hilarious), Captain Vyom also faded away. Soon, I graduated into classics and subsequently popular fiction novels.

I was in junior college, and was leafing through a popular magazine those days - "Cricket Talk". It carried a column of Top 10 International Bestsellers Fiction / Non-fiction, and as my eyes fell upon the list i could notice 3 Harry Potter titles in the fiction list competing with the likes of Michael Crichton and other popular writers. I tried inquiring about Harry Potter from different sources ( no, googling was not an option those days, atleast not for me !!). The best i could conclude, was that, it might be a detective series a la Holmes or Poirot and I was looking forward to read them.

My mother had an Operation in mid 2001 and i was attending to her for a brief period in the nursing home in Cuttack. Cuttack happened to be the literature capital of Orissa, my state and I had access to loads of good books and authors at street side 2nd hand shops as well as the famous book stores in the city. This time too, i went about searching for good books to give me company, while i spent time at the nursing home, with Mama.

The book seller proudly showed me fiction novels and thrust in a few Harry Potter books as new arrivals. Upon gazing at the cover art, which appeared quite childish, i wondered if this would at all be a good buy and if it would appeal to the "adult" in me. However, after sparing a careful thought i did buy one of the books - "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire", little knowing that it was the fourth book in the series. Perhaps the size of the book (fattest back then) and the slightly adventurous cover art, got my goat !!

The beauty of the prose was such that i could understand the stuff even though i broke midway from the fourth part of the series. Soon i was enthralled, and picked up all the remaining parts of the series, available back then. It was sheer joy, being transported to the magical world of Wizards and Witches. I wasn't a "muggle" anymore !! The whole concept was simple yet mind boggling. The presence of wizards amongst common folk, the platform of 9 and 3 quarters, Hogwarts, Quidditch, the magic lessons and the exciting adventures of Harry, amidst all of this.

I kept up with Harry, reading his adventures as i grew from a teenager to adulthood. I introduced him to several of my friends. Imagination was getting colour by the harry potter movies that kept releasing. Daniel Radcliffe surely was the Chosen one, aprtly supported by Rupert Grint and Emma Watson as Ron and Hermione, Harry's best friends. However the best potrayal of the character was and is being done by Alan Rickman, in and as Severus Snape, the almost evil, Potions teacher at Hogwarts. A few years back, the last Harry Potter book - The Deathly Hallows was released, and thus the prose came to an end. The movie franchise is soon catching up and the first part of the last book, has already hit the theatres (i saw it a week back). Very soon, next year, the last movie would be released, and Harry will fade away from our expectations, to come again. He will be cherished in the 8 DvDs and 7 books that I will treasure. I hope I keep re-visiting the memories. I also hope to pass my joy to my next generation and i hope they cherish the experience as much.

Harry Potter will continue to be the boy who lived.

Trip Back Home

Chhod aaye hum woh galiyaan....

Yes, I have just returned from a home trip.

Rejuvenated, tired, excited, happy and sad at the same time !! There aren't too many occasions when you experience these emotions all together. While i was on my flight back to Bombay i was contemplating on blogging about my trip. Not the usual holiday diaries, people post, though !! Rather a more heartfelt account of my experiences in my hometown.

I have gone back home several times during my professional tenure. Managed to live through the madness of office work, people frantically calling to check upon work, and me happily basking in the small town's laid back sunshine. Never bothered about things such as career, packages, recruitments, MISes, training, performance etc etc n blah, during those 8-10 wonderful days.

This time was no different. "I shall not be accessible on the phone" mentioned my out-of-office mail.

The welcome at home, the warmth from my kith and kin and the angelic face of my mom. The face that makes me forget all worries in life, forget any ambition, abandon any desire and just sleep with my head down in her lap while she keeps chatting about almost everything under the universe, from the 7th marriage proposal she received for me to my neighbour's cousin's career interests. Of course Dad's mock anger only enhanced our will to gossip a little more. He, although, was happy with the bunch of novels i took home. Time has a strange way of repeating itself with a twist. It seemed like yesterday, me smiling deeply because of the 3 double digest comic books he'd bought me, on his way back from business.

The awkward hugs i receive from my chaddi buddies, back home are a thing to remember. I have blended into the semi-north indian culture of Free Hugs for everything, and this has become a way of life. However things back home are still the same. A friend meeting after long, is shown the same warmth, same love, yet unspoken. And while i embark on the tradition of hugging, they share half a hug, making the shoulders to barely touch and an arm on the neck, and thus we meet !!

We sit down to discuss... and for once i am glad, we are not touching upon points of discussion such as the big corporate honchos in their respective companies and their astounding ways of success. I am not given pre feeds about the next overseas business trip they shall be going upon and our views on the next tax planning and investments for the next quarter do not matter. We do not discuss world cinema or the latest gizmos we are looking to buy. We discuss life, love, happiness, problems, how it was, when we were kids, how it is now. We discuss about other friends, we discuss our small dreams for the future (neither overwhelming the other), we joke, kid around, pull the silliest of pranks and pass off endless hours by the sea side.

I play a lot of badminton every time i go home. Good way to burn all the extra calories i gain from mom's cooking. This time was no different. Although, the guys praised my current form :D , i sincerely hope they were not trying to flatter a desk job professional with limited exposure to practice. I do wear out faster in about an hour's rigorous game-play. Cut to memories of the champ playing like there was no tomorrow during college days. I look at the trophies, cups and shields i earned from the game and the pride still gives a weak smile from deep inside.

I visit places. Sometimes with people, and sometimes alone. I steal a peep at my alma-mater, my school. Holiday time !! :'( Couldn't go inside !!
I sat by the sea, the same spot i have always been to. Memories came flying. Reckless sea baths in the salty water....holding hands.....sand castles.....the awkwardness of meeting girls near the Puri Sea Beach (understood locally)...beach football.....sand art....the setting sun.....the confused tourists...the yuppy foreigners....!!
It rained while i was sitting by the beach this time (yes it had been raining a bit in Puri). I was listening to a bluetooth transferred version of Guzaarish's title track. The moment felt ethereal. While i do share this in words now, in reality i am weirdly selfish, i wouldn't want anyone to be a part of that experienced moment.

I ate, ate and ate...yes that is understood. Coming from my present situation of self imposed diets and the crappy maid food, home is where the sorrow ends !! My roomie had mentioned once, its good that we get crappy food here, it helps us stay fit. If we were subjected to home food on a daily basis, God alone would measure my waist !! Anyways, the tastiest of fishes, the mutton, the veggies, the sweets all went inside in large quantities and every moment was relished.

I went to the temple, with mom as always. I'm not very religious and every time i pray i feel i am pleading. So i discontinued the habit. But when i enter the big temple of the greater God, every logic, every argument seems baseless.. The atmosphere is so overwhelming, that i do not mind being even a beggar before Lord Jagannath. I pour my heart out before him and realize towards the end, i have been saying things out loud and Mom is peering blankly at me having finished her prayers.

I came back to Mumbai this morning. Waved to my parents till the last sight of the visitors window while getting on the plane. I wonder sometimes if its going to be a trend that i will slog for 50 weeks in a year to have 2 weeks of pure happiness in life. Conscience is a nasty little prick, always posing the wrong questions....

P.S -
Dear Conscience, I chose this life. I have lived and loved it. And i look forward to make it more meaningful.

Independence..Now

I have noticed a trend. Important Landmark events or dates always coax Bloggers to write. Results as i have seen could be fab and quite the opposite.
So i never stuck to Father's day, Momma's day, Valentine's day (that's a separate story eh fellas !!), Canine day or Independence day for that matter !!
Independence caught my fancy this time around. Maybe the influence of social networking had a role to play. The randomness with which people were wishing independence, was a little unnerving. It was nice to see people valuing independence but slowly when they tried going into pseudo half introspection half sarcastic mode, the comments generated were amusing to say the least if i could refrain from dirt.

"Inflation, child labour, shit, crap etc etc on the rise % x goes to % y, Govt is going to the dogs, ARE WE ACTUALLY FREE??"
"Iss se achche toh hum Ghulam the"
"Rant rant rant rant rant......100 mein se 80 beimaan, fir bhi mera Bharat Mahaan (80% corruption, yet India is great), Happy Independence Day."

No, what's your point exactly here? Things are fucked up ?? Right ?? And what are you doing to change anything over here ???

You say, slavery was better ? Did even your friggin Dad experience a life under British Rule ? Things were more organised then, eh, classy ?? Says who ??? Did you see it for real ? Did you get flogged ? Did you like it ? Bondage fun huh ?? Marvellous !!!

I tried imagining a life of slavery in current situations. In one word....Scary !! I value my freedom and all that the country bestows upon me. I do not take pride in being patriotic, i rather am happy being a responsible citizen, that being the least i can contribute to the growth of the country / economy etc etc. Yes i am selfish, as an individual in the social hierarchy. I cannot sacrifice my life in the pursuit of more glory for my country, the civil affairs etc etc the works. I lose the right to criticise those who do, there itself. I may question or raise propaganda to collectively shake the foundations of wrong doings such as the Common Wealth Games, but thats it. My government has given me the power to choose and not-choose, and i do not consider myself too small to make a difference. What if a thousand others thought just like me by coincidence and abstained or engaged from doing the right thing. Aren't we creating a difference there ?

I consciously look to vote. I have contributed occasionally to a specific NGO and am trying to be more regular at that. I haven't engaged in mal-practice or exercising social influence. I hope I do not consider these as "Virtues", rather try bettering them at each given chance.

I am a free Indian. I love my country.

The Last Conversation

I had come back from the meeting early.
The chest pain was bothering me a little. The hands felt a little numb. I couldn't understand why would my physical self ail me so much, when everything seemed all right in the external hemisphere. The merger had been successful. My clients were happy, the boss even happier. I ordered room service for a small dinner and lay down on the hotel bed. I'd thought of calling Kruti, but those were different timezones we were in, and didn't want to ruin her sleep. I thought of calling Vinny, my son. But then he must have been out partying and i wanted to save him the embarrassment of receiving a call from his Dad at 2am, while he must be high and happy with his friends.
2 more days, and i would be back home, i said to myself. Must go for a check-up this time. Must quit smoking. Hell, must go for a holiday if possible...

I don't remember dozing off really (as if anybody does!!). But what woke me up was a shrill noise. A noise i had never heard before, a noise that made my ears go numb and i couldn't pick up any external sounds after that. My chest pained again, this time with a stubbornness. I clutched my heart with both hands...and i saw a figure in front of me. Certainly not the room service, i thought.

The vision cleared and i found a person in black and yellow robes sitting besides me on my bed. He looked aged, he looked wise and seemed to exude an eerie charm from his hollow eyes.
I felt cold. Not the sort of cold, that you feel on a winter night, a deep setting chill, that seemed to arise in me from within.

Excuse me, Who are you?
Me ? why dont you take a wild guess ?
I dont know, you certainly dont look like room service !!
The man lent a hollow laugh...Room service !! ?Well, i certainly have been confused for worser professions, but no..i'm afraid, your guess isn't correct !!
Did you sneak into my room ?
I dont sneak into rooms, Avinash, i sneak into life. Now before you keep straining your already weaker self, i will tell you who i am. I am your end.
Is this some kind of a joke? Do i know you at all? Please lets get rid of this nuisance, i really am in a bad condition to entertain reality TV goofers spoiling my sleep.
OK, then let me make it more "REAL" and evident for you. With these words, the man did something i could neither explain, comprehend or disbelieve. He changed his form into 5 of the most eerie visions i have ever experienced. The Satan, The Devil, Death, God...whatever it was....it was here !! And it was staring me in my face !!

What do you want from me? I was clutching the blanket now.
He had returned to his former self by now. "I didn't have a choice Avinash, but I had to make you believe me. A lot of people i meet pass away after this exercise is done, making my work much easier. But you are a brave man i must say.
What do you want ? I repeated
Well, what can i want ? I obviously havent come here to explain the new promotional campaign we have organised for a new health plan i would want you to invest into !! He smirked.
I have come for you, my friend. Your life. Lets depart...
What? Me? Now ? Why?
Well, so many questions... i wont want to answer all of them...but all i can say is It's time !!
How can you say that ? I just have a mild chest pain, I am 48 and i have a lot to do..what about my family?
The man/Death had a serious expression when he said this to me - "I, as you can see, do not wear a watch, my friend. I could be as delayed and as alarmingly early as you could possibly imagine. Think of your wife's great grand dad or your cousin's newly born. Tell me, would i have an answer if they asked me the same question ?
Why now.......? tears wet my cheek. There was so much still remaining to be done. I had to complete my book, i had to reach the CEO's post, a task i had set for myself in the next 3 years, i had to go for that Greek holiday i had so eagerly awaited, i had to see my son graduate from IIM-A, i had to see him get married, have children and Kruti, how can i drift away from her. She'd been my soul mate for the last 20 years. My mom, how would she feel..what about my friends...??? Too many questions....

It seemed as if he was looking right through me.

I know it's hard. Believe me, contrary to my work, i have the deepest sense of sympathy you would ever experience.

"I was there, when you had an inkling of a thought of jumping off the cliff, when Kavita dumped you in the school picnic. I was there, when you were staring emptily at the ceiling fan, having been unable to make it to the IITs. I was even there when you were speeding off at a 110kmph on your motorbike on the highway and managed to escape the truck by half an inch. I was there when you had lost your first job and thought your career was over and were walking drunk on the empty railway tracks near your rented flat."

I was there Avi, I was there...all the time....I never asked you this question, "Why don't i get you now??"
Because the strangest thing this world shall ever experience is - Time. You might try to capture it in a clock, in calendars, in years...but you shall be clueless as to how finite or infinite it can possibly be.


Therefore my friend, i tell you now, "It's time"

"It's time" - I had heard this so many times, from mom, trying to wake me up early, during the ending bells of examinations, from girlfriends wanting to move on, from bosses asking for end of year reports..... and all of that became so vague in comparison to what this person told me. I was dying. It was going to be over. I wanted it to end with happy thoughts...i started visualizing my life from as early as i could remember. Dad's cricket sessions, the university medal, the new motorbike on the day of the results, the first kiss with Sarah, my first paycheck, Kruti's face when i first met her, our awkward honeymoon in Shimla, Vinny, his tiny self in my hands in the maternity room, the hug he gave me on our holiday on top of the Eiffel tower, while shouting "My Daddy's the besttttttt".........The lights started to fade. They will be fine...God, bless them with a happy life.....

He placed his hand on mine. We left.



Image courtesy: Camille on Death Bed, by Monet

Holy be your Name !!!

“What’s in a name?

For a Rose with any other name would smell just as sweet…” blurted out Shakespeare

How wrong was he ? Names have such an important role to play in the daily scheme of things we encounter in our daily lives.

There is a theory on behavior patterns about familiarity. The famous proven experiment shows an animal behaving in a likely manner, in a conditioned atmosphere. See Pavlov.

We human’s aren’t any different. We are slaves of conditioning too. Familiarity, is a good thing, but can be a vice at times too. Sample this out – What if you went to smoke a butt at a local paan tapri, got all chatty with the guy selling paan-beedis, and happened to ask his name, and got an answer – “Hamaar naam, Ambani hai, Kishen Ambani !!” ????? Was that you raising a brow ? Or did you leave your mouth gaping wide open ??

Understand what I mean ?? Anyways we move away from stereo-types ! Let’s move to the wretched and the troubled.

Let’s move to my name !!!

They named me - “SOUMYA KANTA SINGH”. Right since birth. The name remains. The interpretations have changed and continue to do so.

I think I must have been a toddler when I asked my Mom, the meaning of my name. She’d said it’s another name for Lord Indra, the God of the skies. As I grew up, I realized there was no connection up there. Soumya – meant “Beauty” and Kanta – meant “master of/ husband of” (don’ t hate me yet, Shobha De, I bought your silly garb in paperbacks !!). The name coherently put, suggests “Beholder of the beautiful” !! I guess Mom, was either ignorant or too coy !!

Add the surname as “Singh” and you have got yourself into a royal mess boy !!! {“Oh jee tussi Punjaabi ho ? Nahin jee, Rajput hoon !! Rajput ? Khoon kitta tussi, Bakre ki Bali ditta tussi??”}

It was very early that I learnt the distinction of private and public schools. It was the way they pronounced my name. While in my formative years I was referred to as “Soumyaaa KantO” , I soon lost the extra vowel (be it “A” or “O” as if I cared !!) when I stepped into Sacrament. I was cool, I was hip, I was “Soumyakant”. Soumyakant, A la, Rajnikant, where the name stopped right at the “T” !!! I silently resolved to do away the extra “A” in my name, a resolution I still follow. However documentary evidence kept eluding me, Birth certificate, Voter card, Pass port…..all welcomed the “A” !!! Once a “KANTA” always a “KANTA” !!!

As we grew up, the names started to shorten. I was known as “Soumya” in my gang. The females in my gang, took to me really well, they pronounced my name with an elongated “yaaa” as in “Soumyaaa”. I was their best buddy, they felt comfortable around me, and one of them even asked me out for SHOPPING !!! Mom used to get bugged, every time one of them called on the telephone, “Aunty, Soumyaa achchi (around) ?? “ “His name is Soumyakanta” Mom would correct. I put the blame back on Mom. “You named me, remember ??? “

College days were even greater !! My circle developed notoriously as one of the most infamous groups in the city. They didn’t spare my name. Someone came up with a derivative, that I be called “Chumma” !!! I fail to translate this even now,

I mean, how can somebody explain SOUMYA  SOMA  SUMA  CHUMMA !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They consoled me, they said it’s cute. I remember trying to hook up with a hottie, after winning the university badminton final. I was the champ, I had it all, I was working my way out, my magic was happening, she was falling for it, maybe she wanted to get along, who cares, she is hottt, whats my next move gonna be, “Chummaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” yelled my “friend” !! “POOF” she vanished !!!

College was great. The variations were nice. The middle name “Kanta” took a beating too. From the famous “Kaantaa Lagaaaaaa……………….” Till the Homo-phobic “Kantaa Ben” from the movie “Kal ho naa Ho”, I heard it all.


The professional life began. The NAME !! Yes the implications were amusing and disgusting.

I have lost count on the number of first-time-meetings I have walked into, and surprised the guys.

Yourself ?

Soumya, Soumyakant Singh, Human Resources.

Oh !!

(Oh what Motherfucker ??!! Say it out !!!)

“We were expecting a girl/lady by the name of Soumya !!”

(Ooohh, did I disappoint you?? just give me 5 minutes, I’ll quickly change into my fake boobies, and a cocktail dress, do a cabaret and then you can seduce me till death, you last breed of testosteroneosaurus !!!)

No worries, I get that a lot, lets resume, shall we Gentlemen ??

South Indians, generally gracious at names, had nice follies, “Somyeah Kanthhhh” or sometimes identified me as their own kin by calling “Swamykanthan”

“Soumya, was a biiiiggg hactress in South India, do u know her Machaa ??” (Yes, and she is dead. Do u wanna meet her anytime soon??)

Bongs – “Shomo” “Somaa”.

“Shomokant Singh, what do you sing??” (I sing death metal, asshole, weird chants, and my next rendition shall be over your dumb-corpse)

Anyways, I end it here. I have never thought of an affidavit yet. My name gives me due and undue attention. Guess I have learned to live with it.

“Hallo, main Bharti AXA life insurance se bol rahi hun, meri baat Soumya Madam se ho sakti hai ??”

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Our Dreams !!!

Dreams !!! What are they made of?? How do they occur???

I thought of writing this ever since i had a nightmare, a week back. And while i struggle to put forward my words together i realise there is no subject as infinite or abstract as this.

First, for reality's sake lets delve into the ideas of the masters, Freud, Sketel etc etc !!! Freud's "Interpretation of dreams" presented several theories which challenged the evolution of thoughts in the human mind, over-mining a more cause and effect relationship between our actions and thoughts and the impact they carry upon our dreams. Symbolism (dan brown, you cant touch this) was a high point, though blatant references are made on representations of several sexual acts even sodomy, incest etc... Ewwww !!!! But true !! And then sketel went along later disassociating with his teacher and made several connotations for sexual references, such as cleverly devised words for pervertness or hysteria !!!

Too much of sex they got into isnt it ??? Why is that?? The only reason i can think of, is that all of these are neo classical theories or devised a little later in the early 1900s !!! Understanding that dreams are a representation of our ultimate fantasies, desires and fears, most of the time, the only activity that comes to my mind which joins these three line of thoughts is SEX (war also came into my mind, but the respondents to our oldies' surveys were the gentry mostly, not assassins and no mad-cap Hitlers for sure) !!! Hence the realisation, hence the interpretation and hence the hoopla !!!

Lets look at perspectives from a new viewpoint, a fresher scenario. Lets look at the current generation and understand the implication of our dreams !! We definitely have more to desire for, more things to fantasise about and much more to fear !!!

The modern day hedonist has a lot of fantasies and things he would desire for - Sex (of course the primal instincts will rule till the age we turn into robots and our mechancial di**s would ask for a version upgrade for engaging in intercourse), Fast Cars, Riches, Food ( its true), material possessions, et cetera!!!

The modern man also has a lot of fears, fear of death, fear of wars, fear of falling behind in the rat race, fear of non-performance (contexts are upto imagination), fear of bosses (various), fear pf loosing, fear from the ghosts of the past and the ghouls lurking in the future, fear of bomination from the society because of non-confirmist thoughts et al !!!

Let me ask you. Have you ever had a dream, which made you feel sorry about the fact that you dreamt it? Did you see yourself committing a dark act, a sin, something you cant imagine your self doing under the weirdest of scenarios? Thatssssssssss the range of the human mind !!!

I was often told, to go to bed with a happy thought, and that would make way for happy dreams !!! That didnt happen. I still start the end of my night, imagining myself in an utopic situation and analysing my path to get there !!! But later, as sleep covers me in it's misty blanket, the sub conscious self takes control and i realise i am not the master. I must give in....give in to my dreams. For good, bad, sinister or ugly, they are truly creations of my own !!!

P.S - There are these NO DREAM nights too, maybe you are too tired to dream during your peaceful siesta, or have too much to bother about as you wake up, to remember what you dreamt of last night !!

Depictions and Contradictions

Durga Puja just passed. It has always been a time for celebration in my life. As until now, the festival denoted a long trip back home. However that was not to be this time around. So the festivities were carried out largely in Mumbai and i must thank my Bong-o-bondhus :D for the same. After a delicious traditional meal, when we laid back chatting, an interesting topic came into foray for discussing and delving upon, the origin of Mata Durga !!

I wasnt an expert on hindu mythology, but knew my ramayanas and mahabharatas wid elan though !!! The stories we listen to during our growing years remain with us somehow and that forms a base for all answers we ask at later stages in life. Thats what i found out, after the discussion, which was healthy, though took a wild turn midway and some heat to go with !! There were two schools of thought. It all started with one statement. My friend said that Durga is Lord Shiva's wife. I disagreed with him. My point was Durga was actually derived from a divine source, long since the hindu's have identified and worshipped as "Shakti" or energy, to complete a particular task (killing Mahishasur the demon God), and she was the divine answer to all the prayers of Devas (the immortal Gods).

However somehow it is also allusioned that she was a fiercer form of Parvati, Shiva's original wife (Wikipedia mentions it and i disagree). My arguement was, keeping Shakti above all, Durga and Parvati might be considered as two tangents drawn from a single point, but they arent one alike. They are parallels, and a third and more fiercer depiction is Goddess Kali, who is denoted with Destruction, Time and the eternal Change phenomena. Now would you consider all the three to be one self ??? Is the answer, "Yes", because the source is the same??

My friend brought in a different facet now.

He said the whole transition and dual self can be compared to the Spiderman-Peter Parker's contrast. You will have to say, Spiderman is Mary Jane's boyfriend. Isnt it ?? They are the same person, end of the day.

I begged to differ. Peter Parker knows when he is Spiderman and Spiderman knows he is originally Peter Parker. Firstly this situation is that of the same person doing two roles. My justification is about completely different entities (Parvati, Durga, Kali) bound only by a single source - Shakti !!! Even if i am to overlook that, a change of form is a change in the person itself !!

Hence there is no recollection of any event or activity concerning another life (also refer to the schizophrenic effect of Niki Sanders in the earlier episodes of "Heroes").

There was a big justification awaiting to counter this idea of mine. My friend sure had decided to hit the nail at the right spot.

He asked me to recollect the most famous image of kali. I did (am putting the image below, for a clearer idea).

He said the image mentions the time when Kali went berserk with killing, and nobody could stop her. Finally the Devas pleaded with Lord Shiva to stop her as he was her husband. Shiva lay dead on her way, and Kali has her tongue coming coming out, because of surprise and coyness for having stepped on her husband's body (an act of sacrilege according to Hindu customs).

This was truly what was told to us as a part of the regular dosage of childhood mythologies, and i even believed in the same. However there were more points to contradict the same too.

The blood red tongue, which has resulted from Kali drinking the blood of demons, protrudes more than one would do as a result of coyness or an acceptance of surprise while commiting a mistake. In ancient texts references are drawn out for this position - mudra, as mentioned, that Kali here, gives a true depiction of the "Khachari Mudra", a stance which defies time (Kaal) and Space (Shiva himself). Hence, she protrudes her tongue not as a sign of surprise but because of her tremendous confidence in her self. She commands respect and fear and with this act wants to signify the importance of her supreme being. Allusions are also pointed towards this sign denoting death of the human individual ego.

The discussion ended though the topic is still debatable. I believe even now, Hindu Mythology is open ended. Finite conclusions can be drawn but alternate suggestions can never be negated.

A final touch to the topic, would be quoting Ramprasad Sen, a Kali devotee, in a poem where he mentions the complete contradiction of Kali's image to that of a mother, as she is nothing like what a mother should be expected to be:

"Can mercy be found in the heart of her who was born of the stone? [a reference to Kali as the daughter of Himalaya]
Were she not merciless, would she kick the breast of her lord?
Men call you merciful, but there is no trace of mercy in you, Mother.
You have cut off the heads of the children of others, and these you wear as a garland around your neck.
It matters not how much I call you "Mother, Mother." You hear me, but you will not listen."

Rendition of an unforgettable meeting

The phone rang mercilessly. I knew I was going to be deprived of my few golden hours of slumber. The clock showed 6.09am and the number displayed on my screen wasn’t a familiar one. I picked up the call.
“Hello”
“Still groggy in the morning as ever, aren’t you?” The voice was vaguely familiar, yet I wanted to be sure before blurting out any of my guesses. Who could it be?
“U do remember my voice, don’t you?”
I got irritated over not being able to recognize, the morning blues were getting on to me, “Well NO, I don’t. You mind explaining?” my voice hinted anger.
“Hmmmm…that’s too sad, anyways Shreya here, would you need more details ?”
I felt a heartbeat missing for a moment, I cursed myself mentally, for having been so rude and immediately apologized to her, “Shreya, I’m so sorry, I couldn’t get u, well wasn’t expecting you to call, I mean how could I, it’s been what, like ages?” “Where are you, how are you?”
“Hmm ages it has been Somu, I’m in Bombay and we need to meet up, that is if Mr. Busy Bee is free.”
“Yeah, yeah, for sure” I did a mental calculation, today was Saturday, and the afternoon wasn’t occupied. “How bout lunch, where are you putting up?”
We decided on a mutual place, exchanged pleasantries again and I hung up.

I stretched back on the bed. I could give the gym a miss today, my lazy self ruled again on the weekend. Although I ached to go back to sleep, I couldn’t help but wondering if the last 5 minutes actually happened in real time. Shreya called !! I went back in memory. Well there were so many memories of her that i shared, and in so little time that we spent.

She'd said her name should not mean credit worthy, it should mean freshness. She'd said she was against the theory of evenings making people sad, as she loved spending time looking at the setting sun, She'd said Rahul Dev Burman was sent to earth so that he could create music and go away to angeldom, she'd said she would ideally want to see a cut mark on my left brow, coz that makes guys look sexy, She'd been hysterically wild after her first tryst with Jack Daniels and cursed me for turning a Vodka person to Whiskey, even though she'd barely finished a peg of any spirit in her life and mostly held the glass to give company, she'd said love wasnt forever, it was a feeling and we needed to enjoy everybit of it till it prevailed, she'd said she loved me today but was unsure about tomorrow, literally, She'd cried on my lap looking at her tickets for Milwaukee, she'd laughed her guts off when i told her i'll meet her next when i would be 45 with a bald patch resembling an egg, She was a livewire, she could not be fazed out, could not be understood easily and could never be forgotten. She'd said we will not be in touch as it will definitely pain. And we didnt.

She'd said......I'd heard.....and life had played mischief with two souls, sometimes appeasing and sometimes the eternal pain !!

The meeting was for lunch, but that is barely what we had in mind. She hadnt changed a bit. The smile hadnt lost the genuineness neither had the eyes lost their glow. We were awkward to start off considering the time we had met each other after but soon found each other in the same craziness. The old camarederie was back, the way we'd left it.

There had been an abrupt halt on her smiling face, she said this wouldnt last yet again. I asked her to keep faith in her heart and memories in her mind whenever she thought of us. She gifted me a DVD of "Izaazat", a not so celebrated movie we both had liked and i'd commented to her that she quite resembled the free bird "Maya" i saw in the movie. I didnt have a gift. I loved her. Wasnt that enough ?

We parted...only to meet again...sooner this time. Life does spring in good surprises...and today i was a believer.